~ Pressure and stress is the common cold of the psyche. ~This isn't for everyone to read, and I know that not many people read this blog to begin with. That may be for the best, I'm not really expecting anyone to care... even the ones who say they do.
I'm in a unusual place in my life right now... and not because it's stress... I've dealt with stress... thrived in it, laughed at it right in its face as I overcame, all because I knew I had things under control, in one way or another... Well... that was before the last couple of months.
I've always been the person who had issues but never let anyone else see me sweat... I never would let anyone know what I was dealing with. Talking about my issues with someone else was the last thing I cared to do. That said, my girlfriend has been a major reason why I've had to get over that part of myself cause she won't allow it, but I digress...
I don't know how to handle my life right now... It's becoming too much stress to bare. Not in a "I want to end it all" kind of way, but in more of a "God I don't know what to do" way. I live with my father and for the last 6 (going on 7) months he's been unemployed. Not for anything he did, he was on a contract with the government and it ended. The company chose to not renew it. Well that was in November.
Imagine two grown men (well at least age wise, I don't feel I'm grown) living in one house, one is a full time student who can't find a job due to class schedule and the other who can't find work because he's either over-qualified or under-qualified for employment. Imagine trying to find transportation to get to and from school when no one in your house is making money and the educational stipend I'm supposed to be getting is not arriving and on top of that the other side of your family isn't giving you access to a bank account that has YOUR name on it. Imagine it getting close to the end of the school year and you gain a little bit of money to do some things that are long overdue and your father coming to you asking for money. That's me right now. My father has never looked so helpless, and I feel bad because I can't do anything to help the way I would like to. I don't know how to deal with this... I can't take care of myself, how am I supposed to support my household right now? I call this walls one and two.
Walls number 3 and 4: My girlfriend and I have been together since two days before my dad lost his job (go figure right) and we barely get to see each other. She's not from here and she goes to school a decent distance away. The lack of money to get to see her like I want to ( and she would want me to) has for lack of a better term contributed to the "tension" in our relationship. When I got the amount of money I did... we discussed me coming to see her once my semester was over and when the majority of the students at her school left... Well... with my father coming to me asking me for money for things we both need but things that right now only I can afford, I don't think seeing her is going to happen. And she basically told me she's upset about it... even though her words are that she's disappointed and annoyed by the situation. I'm just adding to the general list of fuck ups I've had since we've gotten together (trust me its enough). And I really wanted to go be with her... but my current situation is causing stress in more than one aspect of my life. But I'm tired of making her upset...
Walls 5 and 6: The last things on my agenda... Today was supposed to be last day of my semester... my only final exam was today at 7 pm, and I know I did well... until my teacher gave me a packet with my grades for everything this semester. Come to find out that without turning in this one part of the major report I had due for my class, I can't get credit for the class, and essentially I will either have an incomplete or fail the class... something I can't afford to do. So tomorrow I have until 5:30 to go to 3 different day cares in the city (using public transportation mind you) to get someone to sign off on this piece of paper to verify I did observation at the location in order to gain a grade for the semester... I was so ready for this semester to be over and look for work full time... but I guess I have to hold off another day...
I know this may not seem like anything major to someone else. And I'm sure someone is just saying "toughen up." To those people : Kiss My Ass, we all deal with things different ways. I don't know what lead to this trying time in life... Hopefully through all this pressure I'll come out as a diamond instead of crushed under the pressure.
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