Getting to the cause of it all

What up world,

So as a brief update on my situation from earlier this week, things are better between my significant other and I. With that said, this posting is more related to a personal issue, related to what cause the conflict in the first place. And its something I'm trying to deal with this situation as best I can.

So I talked to my father last night, and the subject was why I feel the "need" to flirt with other females and gain validation from other females even when I am in a relationship and fully committed in that relationship.

To sum up what he said, I actually had to write it out in but so many words:

"The reason you flirt like you do, the underlying reason, is that even though you're in a relationship is because you've never been with the most attractive female you've ever met. When we are out together and I tell you to go at a female, its not to get with them per se, but its to build up your self esteem because thats something you still struggle with. Until you finally meet and date someone who in your mind is the baddest female you've ever met and date, even though you don't think you're attractive enough to get them, you will continue to look for validation through other females."

Thinking back on what he said, I actually had tears going down my face because I'm slowly seeing how my self esteem affects my insecurities, and how my insecurities affect how I act in everyday life. I've been wrestling with the realization of what was really the reason of what I do. And it made me think back my HS sweetheart who knows me better than most who told me that as much as I want to settle down she can't see me doing it. And I fought her saying that with every fragment of my being because I couldn't understand why she would say such a thing. So today I asked her why she would say those things. What she told me was:  

you aren't a man whore or anything

but everytime i hear from you you have a different girl

and you are looking for this "perfect" female

and that person does not really exist

like i feel you will find 90% of what you are looking for but you aren't willing to "settle" (for lack of a better word) for someone who does not meet all of your ideals

you are flirt

Some part of me sees these two different statements as being related. And I don't want to leave my girl. I don't want to hurt her. I love her too much. She's great, despite our differences and our similarities that make us butt heads at times. But I'm struggling with all of it because when I think about it... its almost like my dad was telling me the people I get in relationships with, while they are great women, subconsciously I'm almost acting like I'm settling because I feel that the type of woman I really want to be with I can never have and won't have the ability to be with. I'm really hoping thats not the case. Pray for me ya'll... most difficult situation I've ever dealt with.

"Sometimes its this, Truth is always that" - Inspired by the Lessons of my father.

*Before I start this blog/poem I just gotta say right now I'm working through my mess so I gotta get some shit off my chest. Bare with me... I'm in a really vulnerable state. On top of that I gotta say, though he probably won't read this, that I really appreciate having a father in my life... he tells me the things that my own feelings are too in the way for me to realize I need to hear. With that said... here goes nothing, straight from the top of the dome*

"Sometimes its this, Truth is always that"

We often forget that their are more exceptions to the rule than there are people who perfectly align with the rule. And often when we forget that, we end up played like, or looking like a fool.

Sometimes when you tell someone something, thats not what they hear.

Sometimes its not about if they trust you, its about what they fear.

Sometimes and many times knowing about something doesn't mean they understand it.

Sometimes things that didn't bother them before, they eventually can't stand it.

Sometimes what makes the one you love so miserable is you being the person you were all along

Sometimes what makes you miserable is giving the one you love what she really wants.

Sometimes the people who can be the coldest need something small to get their temperatures boiling.

Sometimes those who love you will ask you to do thing you'd never ask them to do.

Sometimes letting a situation pass, actually makes it get worse

Sometimes it takes a small situation to learn how someone REALLY feels about you.

Sometimes you have to love someone enough to know that you aren't what they really deserve, too good or not good enough for.

Sometimes immaturity and signs of such are in the eye of the beholder.

Sometimes things that aren't big deals to you will be huge problems to someone else

And Sometimes not knowing that its a huge issue hurts more than it helps...

Sometimes "What she don't know, won't hurt her" is the best way to keep the relationship at its best

And Sometimes being transparent about what you do is looked more of like a lack of respect, especially if its not addressed, because it'll lead to some form of stress... and a big ass mess...

And Sometimes as much as you want them to understand, they'll ignore every word

Sometimes your words they've listened to they've never heard.

Sometimes the major things you've done are forgotten with ease.

And sometimes its small minute things that you have to chill on to appease.

Sometimes when you tell someone you are something, you are telling them what you do.

Sometimes your downfall is trying to make everyone else happy and not worry about you...

But with all that, one thing is not sometimes, and what's not sometimes is the TRUTH.

the Truth is that you shouldn't have to change for people, but change for you.

The truth you can only ask someone to do something in a relationship that you yourself are willing to do.

The truth is the Truth lies in the middle, with false versions of such on the side.

The truth is in one person's mind things should be out in the open while the other persons thinks it you should hide.

The truth is some battles aren't worth fighting and some issues don't need to be addressed.

The truth is some will easily forget things when they were at their best.

The truth is you shouldn't have to defend yourself when you don't feel you did something wrong and that trying to keep up others' perception of you will lead you to singing the same sad ass song.

The truth is changing who you are sets a precedent for the future, it shows you have a lack of balls and to be liked you're willing to be neutered.

The Truth is that sometimes you care too damn much, and would rather someone be happy if they never met you than them being miserable with you, even though you wouldn't feel the same way. The truth is I love her so much that I'm considering leaving... because I don't think I can make her happy if I stay.