Mini Personal Rant... (Since Tumblr is down)

I feel like I'll never be able to give you the attention you need or make you feel like you want to feel in this relationship, and I started feeling that way when you brought up your bitch ass ex bf from 5 years ago who tried to make you feel like you can have the damn world and I can't even buy a fucking gift because my money situation isn't right. 


I feel like not being a people pleaser is alienating the people in my life from me at a time where I'm finally putting my feelings and my concerns and whats important to me before those of other people. 


I feel like I can never do enough, good enough, for myself or for anyone else. 


I feel frustrated because I don't know why I have the baggage I do, and I don't know how to get rid of it. 


I feel frustrated because I can't answer the questions of shit going on in my own life and I feel so helpless and so lost that and that no one cares as long as the shit going on with me as far as they are concerned is good.


I'm sick of all this shit. 


I'm sick of being frustrated and not knowing what caused it all, I'm sick of being 21 years old, without a job, money, living under someone else's roof, being a sad existance for a young man whose only good to be someone else's ear when they are going through shit. 


I'm just done...

Venting on on BS

Aight, I haven't blogged over here for a while (My tumblr has been the place to see my stuff recently) but I felt this post was necessary for this blog. Whoever reads it, reads it. I can give a damn right now.

I'm perturbed. And I feel perfectly fine feeling that way. Let me show you why.
This is  conversation I had with my gf yesterday. For those who don't know, yesterday was the first Sunday of the NFL season this year.

Me: Hello

Her: Hey babe

Me: Whatcha doin

Her: Nothing much cleaning and watching Aladdin

Me: Wow... you and every other non football watching female (Note: Previously she has expressed she watches football and likes the Giants and Saints, but its not one of her favorite sports)

Her: I'm boycotting the NFL season

Me: o_O why?

Her: A few reasons, one being I don't agree with ppl being neglectful of things and ppl in their lives for the sake of a game where its socially acceptable for men to grope one another"

Me: Okay Malcolm (referencing Malcolm X as she sounds like she's on a soapbox)

Her: *Shruglife*

Me: You're Doing To Much

Her: No I think your gender isn't doing enough and I'm not participating in it

Me: Okay I'm not touching this with you... As much as women want guys to be involved with the things they like, its wild you said that.

Her: Ask any women what she wants out of a man and I doubt she'd say anything of the sort lol. I'll just say this: If men put half the energy and paid women half the attention and thought they give football, all relationships would be perfect

Me: go back to watching Aladdin. This is the first time you've given me a headache from being annoyed."

{Insert a couple Pointless messages}

Her: Couldn't be annoyed if there wasn't some truth to the words.

Me: Ha! and that's where you're wrong

Her: Nah I doubt it

Me: I could care less if you doubt it or not. Did you forget guys like when women talk sports when they know what they are talking about.

Her: Yea... but no women wants a mans attention for the duration of a sports season... If that's the only way to us y'all can have it

Now at this point I decided I'm not going to talk to her for the rest of the day. I decided to enjoy my day and watch football like I have every Sunday a game has been on since I've been living.

Why?


Because I REFUSE and will be damned is ANYONE wants me to feel guilty for watching a football game and enjoying it. Often times I feel as is If there is something I like that she doesn't like I'm supposed to give up what I like for the sake of appeasing her. And often I feel that when its something she likes, me opposing it will only lead to more issues between us.

She's begging for attention with shit like that... and that shit was manipulative. The only reason you would say some shit like that is to try to evoke some feeling of guilt in me to make sure I'm giving you attention instead of what you know I want to do.


I'm still my own person, and you catching an attitude with me THIS MORNING when I was trying to get over it was not the answer.


So in short: I'm a young man. I like sports, love watching football. If you feel you have to compete with a football game for my attention, WHEN I TEXT YOU WHILE A FOOTBALL GAME WAS ON TO ASK YOU HOW YOU ARE DOING, then you obviously don't see that I still care enough.


/rant sometimes I wish I didn't give a damn.


The U.R.G.

How Young Black Women Set themselves up to be Successful & Single (Are their standards too high?)

(Backstory: Slim Thug came out and said some comments about Black women backing black men and people adressed it, one of the comments he made was that Black women have their standards too high)

I agree with the statements made by Marc Lamont Hill about Slim Thug's comments. However... 

Some black women in my opinion do have standards that are too high. Emphasis on my opinion, but I will attempt to state my case as clearly as possible. There are many successful black women today, ones who have their own homes, their own cars, doing very well in their careers, etc. These "independent black women" are doing their thing (Clap for them) so why is it that many of these women are still single? 

When thinking about this subject, I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend of mine on AIM about a year ago where the subject of "independent women" a.k.a. "Women who don't need a man" arose. 

Her: Look guys need to stop looking for "girls" and start talking to women who don’t NEED man anyway

Me: Psh... Don’t start giving me that independent woman BS ya'll been spittin for almost 10 years, cause let's face it, yeah, while you may have your own, you sure as heck would love a man who would allow you to keep it... I've been looking for woman, the problem is these "independent women" my age have been looking for guys who have everything together, and most of the time aren't willing to give a guy who has a plan and is in the process of getting his self together a chance... so we end up stuck messing with hood rats who are just happy to get a guy bringing in a check every two weeks so she can have some money to get her hair and nails done...

Me: Many Females want a guy who has his life together, when 3/4 of the time, SHE doesn't have her life together... that's not right...

Her: I’m gonna agree with u

Me: ...thank you

Her: That’s definitely true. Cuz my advisor is ALWAYS complaining about not having a man. Now mind u she’s old...like getting to her 40's old and she lives in a townhouse with 2 cars...bmw and Mercedes and she makes 6 figures and she just bought a house yet she expects the guy she meets to be on her level... when in fact all the guys that are "on her level" are married or taken...or with extreme amounts of baggage

Me: Correct...

Her: Which means women certainly have to be realistic. We can’t expect a man to have it ALL right now, but we can expect him to have a PLAN. And that just means women have to be able to not feel like they want to work on that man...but work with him to get to the point where they both need to be in life. Which hopefully leads to success. Unfortunately, theory is different from practice and women just haven’t figured it out yet.

Me: Yeah, I agree with that... I’m glad you owned up to what I said, because a lot of females I speak to fight that belief to no end...

Her: lol yea they are in denial...and I hate to say it but that is why many successful black women are not getting married

Me: Preach...

Any women reading this conversation saying its not true is lying to herself. Think about it. Everyone knows or has met the girl who in college would not date a guy unless he had a car, or a job, ignoring the fact that there is a guy interested in her who is a full time student and doesn’t have it like that. As an HBCU student, I know of females who would rather date a dude who had a job and not in school than date a guy in school working towards a career. And I’m sure I’m not the only one. If you want to be independent like you claim, what’s wrong with you having your own car and getting around as you please? What’s wrong with you taking a guy out on a date?

You should never expect more out of your partner in a relationship than he can expect out of you, or that you can expect out of yourself (#MESSAGE)

So with all that being said, I believe it is fair to say that many black young black women do have “out of wack” standards when it comes to the men they are choosing to be with. No I am not saying that women should settle. I am not saying there is something wrong with having a standard. What I am saying is that some women need to humble themselves and give the guy who has potential a chance. And furthermore, in the times we live in, how is it fair for any woman to expect a man to bring more than a table than she is willing to?

~ The U.R.G.

What up everyone! Long time right...

So, I realized that people who see this blog haven't been seeing any of my recent work (Tumblr caught me... my bad...) So I'll be taking some of my recent works and placing it on both sides... Hope y'all enjoy it, This one I'm about to repost I just finished... Classic URG, aka causing controversy.

I Can't Deal... But I'm trying to.

~ Pressure and stress is the common cold of the psyche. ~

This isn't for everyone to read, and I know that not many people read this blog to begin with. That may be for the best, I'm not really expecting anyone to care... even the ones who say they do.

I'm in a unusual place in my life right now... and not because it's stress... I've dealt with stress... thrived in it, laughed at it right in its face as I overcame, all because I knew I had things under control, in one way or another... Well... that was before the last couple of months.

I've always been the person who had issues but never let anyone else see me sweat... I never would let anyone know what I was dealing with. Talking about my issues with someone else was the last thing I cared to do. That said, my girlfriend has been a major reason why I've had to get over that part of myself cause she won't allow it, but I digress...

I don't know how to handle my life right now... It's becoming too much stress to bare. Not in a "I want to end it all" kind of way, but in more of a "God I don't know what to do" way. I live with my father and for the last 6 (going on 7) months he's been unemployed. Not for anything he did, he was on a contract with the government and it ended. The company chose to not renew it. Well that was in November.

Imagine two grown men (well at least age wise, I don't feel I'm grown) living in one house, one is a full time student who can't find a job due to class schedule and the other who can't find work because he's either over-qualified or under-qualified for employment. Imagine trying to find transportation to get to and from school when no one in your house is making money and the educational stipend I'm supposed to be getting is not arriving and on top of that the other side of your family isn't giving you access to a bank account that has YOUR name on it. Imagine it getting close to the end of the school year and you gain a little bit of money to do some things that are long overdue and your father coming to you asking for money. That's me right now. My father has never looked so helpless, and I feel bad because I can't do anything to help the way I would like to. I don't know how to deal with this... I can't take care of myself, how am I supposed to support my household right now? I call this walls one and two.

Walls number 3 and 4: My girlfriend and I have been together since two days before my dad lost his job (go figure right) and we barely get to see each other. She's not from here and she goes to school a decent distance away. The lack of money to get to see her like I want to ( and she would want me to) has for lack of a better term contributed to the "tension" in our relationship. When I got the amount of money I did... we discussed me coming to see her once my semester was over and when the majority of the students at her school left... Well... with my father coming to me asking me for money for things we both need but things that right now only I can afford, I don't think seeing her is going to happen. And she basically told me she's upset about it... even though her words are that she's disappointed and annoyed by the situation. I'm just adding to the general list of fuck ups I've had since we've gotten together (trust me its enough). And I really wanted to go be with her... but my current situation is causing stress in more than one aspect of my life. But I'm tired of making her upset...

Walls 5 and 6: The last things on my agenda... Today was supposed to be last day of my semester... my only final exam was today at 7 pm, and I know I did well... until my teacher gave me a packet with my grades for everything this semester. Come to find out that without turning in this one part of the major report I had due for my class, I can't get credit for the class, and essentially I will either have an incomplete or fail the class... something I can't afford to do. So tomorrow I have until 5:30 to go to 3 different day cares in the city (using public transportation mind you) to get someone to sign off on this piece of paper to verify I did observation at the location in order to gain a grade for the semester... I was so ready for this semester to be over and look for work full time... but I guess I have to hold off another day...


I know this may not seem like anything major to someone else. And I'm sure someone is just saying "toughen up." To those people : Kiss My Ass, we all deal with things different ways. I don't know what lead to this trying time in life... Hopefully through all this pressure I'll come out as a diamond instead of crushed under the pressure.

(picture from http://wherestheham.wordpress.com/2009/04/23/claustrophobia/ )

DJ Cire: My personal Over Beamer Benz and Bentleys Remix

So I play around with music every now and then. When I discovered Em had his own freestyle to Drake's "Over" I got an idea. So I pulled out Audacity and decided to merge Drake, Em, and Royce Da 5'9" all on one track... I don't like the original transition, but overall I think I did well for my first produced remix. Tell me what ya'll think

Over Beamers, Benzs, and Bentleys Remix

http://usershare.net/0sjc6vykolj6

“6:15pm, 3/11/09” by The U.R.G. (A Poem from 365 days ago)

This is a poem I wrote a year ago at the moment my grandmother passed. I've been thinking about her lately, so I went back and gave it a view and thought I'd blog about it. I still need to work on some things. That apparent from me reading this and seeing where I was this time a year ago.
__________________________________

“6:15pm, 3/11/09”

At 6:15 pm, 3/11/09, an epiphany came onto my soul unlike one I’ve ever felt before. So hard was I hit that as soon as the news hit my ears and sense was made in my brain, my tears began to rain uncontrollably. It felt as if a thought provoking spirit had come down from the heavens and punched me in my soul’s heart, the one where my emotions lay.

At 6:15 pm, 3/11/09, I gained wind of the passing of my grandmother. As I type this even my hands begin to quake at the realization that this is not a nightmare I can wake up from. From 2 to 1 is something I’m still trying to grasp, when you’ve always had two of something it’s hard to acknowledge one has passed.

At 6:15 pm, 3/11/09, I became mad, not at the fact she was gone home after 8+ decades of living, Or that seeing her lay in the hospital bed was the most helpless she’s been. Or that the fight within her feisty self had come to an end due to the stroke that left her left side paralyzed and cold… I became mad thinking of the selfish behavior I showed as a 16-20 year old.

At 6:15 pm, 3/11/09, I began to think of how less than often I made the effort to call my family elders because of me not making the time. How little time I spent hearing stories about their childhood and upbringing, not realizing I could gain understanding of mine. Not sitting down talking and laughing with them on the days I felt I had nothing to do. But worst of all, I realized how selfish I am, because the things I am privileged to do now are the bounty of their strained hearts and hands.

At 6:15 pm, 3/11/09, I had a learning experience. Knowing now to not take for granted those who are still here. Because as much as it hurts to say, everyone’s time draws nearer. And let’s be clear, selfishly, I wish she was still here. I do realize the call home of God is stronger than mine, and I am appreciative of the times I do remember, and this lesson to not take for granted my loved ones she left behind.

R.I.P. Grandma Lethia Mewborn

Getting to the cause of it all

What up world,

So as a brief update on my situation from earlier this week, things are better between my significant other and I. With that said, this posting is more related to a personal issue, related to what cause the conflict in the first place. And its something I'm trying to deal with this situation as best I can.

So I talked to my father last night, and the subject was why I feel the "need" to flirt with other females and gain validation from other females even when I am in a relationship and fully committed in that relationship.

To sum up what he said, I actually had to write it out in but so many words:

"The reason you flirt like you do, the underlying reason, is that even though you're in a relationship is because you've never been with the most attractive female you've ever met. When we are out together and I tell you to go at a female, its not to get with them per se, but its to build up your self esteem because thats something you still struggle with. Until you finally meet and date someone who in your mind is the baddest female you've ever met and date, even though you don't think you're attractive enough to get them, you will continue to look for validation through other females."

Thinking back on what he said, I actually had tears going down my face because I'm slowly seeing how my self esteem affects my insecurities, and how my insecurities affect how I act in everyday life. I've been wrestling with the realization of what was really the reason of what I do. And it made me think back my HS sweetheart who knows me better than most who told me that as much as I want to settle down she can't see me doing it. And I fought her saying that with every fragment of my being because I couldn't understand why she would say such a thing. So today I asked her why she would say those things. What she told me was:  

you aren't a man whore or anything

but everytime i hear from you you have a different girl

and you are looking for this "perfect" female

and that person does not really exist

like i feel you will find 90% of what you are looking for but you aren't willing to "settle" (for lack of a better word) for someone who does not meet all of your ideals

you are flirt

Some part of me sees these two different statements as being related. And I don't want to leave my girl. I don't want to hurt her. I love her too much. She's great, despite our differences and our similarities that make us butt heads at times. But I'm struggling with all of it because when I think about it... its almost like my dad was telling me the people I get in relationships with, while they are great women, subconsciously I'm almost acting like I'm settling because I feel that the type of woman I really want to be with I can never have and won't have the ability to be with. I'm really hoping thats not the case. Pray for me ya'll... most difficult situation I've ever dealt with.

"Sometimes its this, Truth is always that" - Inspired by the Lessons of my father.

*Before I start this blog/poem I just gotta say right now I'm working through my mess so I gotta get some shit off my chest. Bare with me... I'm in a really vulnerable state. On top of that I gotta say, though he probably won't read this, that I really appreciate having a father in my life... he tells me the things that my own feelings are too in the way for me to realize I need to hear. With that said... here goes nothing, straight from the top of the dome*

"Sometimes its this, Truth is always that"

We often forget that their are more exceptions to the rule than there are people who perfectly align with the rule. And often when we forget that, we end up played like, or looking like a fool.

Sometimes when you tell someone something, thats not what they hear.

Sometimes its not about if they trust you, its about what they fear.

Sometimes and many times knowing about something doesn't mean they understand it.

Sometimes things that didn't bother them before, they eventually can't stand it.

Sometimes what makes the one you love so miserable is you being the person you were all along

Sometimes what makes you miserable is giving the one you love what she really wants.

Sometimes the people who can be the coldest need something small to get their temperatures boiling.

Sometimes those who love you will ask you to do thing you'd never ask them to do.

Sometimes letting a situation pass, actually makes it get worse

Sometimes it takes a small situation to learn how someone REALLY feels about you.

Sometimes you have to love someone enough to know that you aren't what they really deserve, too good or not good enough for.

Sometimes immaturity and signs of such are in the eye of the beholder.

Sometimes things that aren't big deals to you will be huge problems to someone else

And Sometimes not knowing that its a huge issue hurts more than it helps...

Sometimes "What she don't know, won't hurt her" is the best way to keep the relationship at its best

And Sometimes being transparent about what you do is looked more of like a lack of respect, especially if its not addressed, because it'll lead to some form of stress... and a big ass mess...

And Sometimes as much as you want them to understand, they'll ignore every word

Sometimes your words they've listened to they've never heard.

Sometimes the major things you've done are forgotten with ease.

And sometimes its small minute things that you have to chill on to appease.

Sometimes when you tell someone you are something, you are telling them what you do.

Sometimes your downfall is trying to make everyone else happy and not worry about you...

But with all that, one thing is not sometimes, and what's not sometimes is the TRUTH.

the Truth is that you shouldn't have to change for people, but change for you.

The truth you can only ask someone to do something in a relationship that you yourself are willing to do.

The truth is the Truth lies in the middle, with false versions of such on the side.

The truth is in one person's mind things should be out in the open while the other persons thinks it you should hide.

The truth is some battles aren't worth fighting and some issues don't need to be addressed.

The truth is some will easily forget things when they were at their best.

The truth is you shouldn't have to defend yourself when you don't feel you did something wrong and that trying to keep up others' perception of you will lead you to singing the same sad ass song.

The truth is changing who you are sets a precedent for the future, it shows you have a lack of balls and to be liked you're willing to be neutered.

The Truth is that sometimes you care too damn much, and would rather someone be happy if they never met you than them being miserable with you, even though you wouldn't feel the same way. The truth is I love her so much that I'm considering leaving... because I don't think I can make her happy if I stay.

A Poem from the Past: When a Real Man Starts to Not give a Damn

(So I was reading a discussion on twitter about nice guys, them liking girls who are "bitches", etc. and it made me think back to a poem I wrote a couple years ago when my "brother" was going through a situation he couldn't explain. THe words still hold true now so I thought I'd share).

____________________________________________________________________

When a Good Man starts to not give a damn.

A no-named good man with so many aliases goes through early adulthood trying to stick to what he’s been taught. Treat everyone as an equal, and treat every lady like a queen. SO that’s what he does. He isn’t liked by everyone, but those who do like him like him for who he is, not what he has or what he does for them.

Too bad for him that treatin a lady like a queen doesn’t result in him getting treated like a King. Every time he approached a female who caught his eye, with respect he spoke. Some looked at him like a joke.

Well some of them did, others made him a “friend” nothing more, nothing less.

And though somewhere down deep in his chest he thought she could be something more, he respects her wishes, and stays a good friend; he even listens when she bitches about the niggas she constantly gets with and talks about how she wishes the guys she dated were more like him. Funny how the answer I right in her face but she’s been blinded by everything superficial and she can’t even see it…..or him for that matter.

And for all the women he meets, his effort at finding someone to be with ends in defeat, all because he’s nice and respectful so they think he’s weak. And for some reason just like the wrong thoughts of who he is, weak becomes the way of his faith of finding the woman who wants him.

All this time he pays attention to how the niggas get treated, how they can do one wrong and another chick comes to him quickly. How a lot of the girls he is attracted to have the mindset that “He treats me like he doesn’t care if we’re together, so I know he can protect me”

And with this something clicks in his head like a trigger. He realizes that being the good man he isn’t leading him to his queen like he planned. And he begins to figgah that if he wants to get some attention, its time for him to act likes a nigga.

Now the people close to him realize he’s being fake, but he doesn’t care, now he’s getting dates. He starts acting like a dawg so in turn women to him are now bitches. And when the girls that had respect for him before ask him why the change in how he acts, he says he gets more attention from them now, Fuck going back to how a good man should act.

He begins to forget that he’s really a king, forgets females should be treated like queens, he becomes eventually what he was only acting to be, and breaks the heart of an unsuspecting victim, and when a Real man comes and approaches her, she’ll instantly dismiss him.

SO the endless cycle continues, we always talk about a good girl gone bad, but that ain’t always the issue, sometimes a good man lead astray, all because has been taught that a real man and a nigga are the same.

The U.R.G.

Quotes on Relationships to remember

My "sis" and I had a conversation today discussing the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." I haven't seen the movie all the way through, but I will go back and watch the whole thing soon.

Anyway... She asked me a question and my answer even surprised me.

Her: "Ugh Relationships... I don't know what's harder to understand that or Chemistry..."

Me: "Relationships are chemistry, just instead the factors in chemistry are easily known (elements) and they aren't in relationships" (I thought that was a great quote)

Later in our conversation she asked me what is the right way to go about a relationship & I said this:

"You want to be an open door with the small chain lock on it... Be open enough to let him see the real you, but keep the lock on the door so he doesn't come in and mess up everything you hold near and dear..."

#NT We Know Drama

What's up World...

Haven't blogged in a while (Happy New Year's By the Way, hope ya'll had fun) But I felt the need to blog.

NT people have kinda peeved me a little bit over the last couple months. I guess with people not being in school, some of the members have had nothing to do but sit behind Internet Screen names (whether or NT or #NT) and parade around for the purpose of e-Fame or "LULZ".

With that said...

From now on if anyone on that website feels the need to address me with any issues, do so by dming me, finding me on facebook ( www.faceboook.com/eric.m.price.ii ) or via Phone number ( 202-714-8170 ).

So of ya'll are sad excuses of people coming at someone sideways.

/rant.