So my dad lost his job again a little over a month ago after being back to work for about 3 months. I thought I'd be able to handle it this time around compared to him losing in Nov. of 09 because life completely changed for the both of us. Its hard to see a grown man so defeated, especially at the age of 50. Its just hard looking at him like this: not being able to know where his next definite pay check will come from; pulling together coins to pay our phone bill, having to hide his car so they don't repossess it due to him missing payments. Its just a lot to deal with by itself. And my pride is taking a hit because I never thought I'd see the day that I'd be faced with getting foodstamps, medicaid, and only affording a mobile phone like Cricket or Boost...
To add insult to injury, my father's family decided they want to sell my great grandmother's house too. Mind you, My father and I live in my great grandmother's house right now. She passed in August and they want to sell it due to my dad not being able to pay the utilities when they wanted him to over the past year (you know, the year where he didn't have a job). So we have less that a month til we get moved out... which sucks because there is nowhere for me or him to move into, with me being a full-time student and him not working its hard to have an idea of where we'd be going... My option right now it to move back in with my mother (UBER FAIL) which even if I did, I have to get a job so I can move back in the city in the Fall. I just refust to live in Maryland and spend $50 a week to ride public transportation to school. Hopefully I win this scholarship for the upcoming year so I can move into the dorms that the have beside our campus that cost more than we pay in tuition (Really UDC? That makes sense).
And in bittersweet news, I broke up with Laura. Its sad because I do love her, and I do care about her. And I wanted things between us to be great and work out. its just... well this is what I sent my best friend when everything went down:
So I'm trying to just move on because I have to be real with myself about it all, and she's trying to convince me to give her another chance... and though she probably is worth it, I know I can do much better than the relationship we had and I would rather be by myself than in a relationship I don't want to be in... Its just the truth...
I was on Facebook last night chatting with Sarah. We got to a point where Laura came up because our relationship has been really rocky the last couple of months. So I sent Sarah a msg, and got in the shower, didn't close out of Facebook on my laptop. She came in her room while I was in the shower. She says she wasn't spying but just reading to see if anything I was doing on my laptop was important enough to leave up. She ended up reading: "She has me reading this book that makes me want to leave even more." I tried to show her the part of the book I'm talking about, I tried to explain why I felt that way. She's now convinced I'm came here to break up with her and not to support her. I'm trying to get her to understand, but I know it's not possible. Oh & to top it all off, I can't leave til 11:30 tomorrow That issue happened last night. When I woke up this morning she brought the issue back up about what I said in a conversation she wasn't meant to see. But I came to a point to realize that me being who I am is what she gets most upset about in our relationship, and if me being me is what cause the majority of our problems, why are we still together? I don't have anything bad to say about her. It's just that she's a great girl, but we aren't compatible... I can't convince her that my intent wasn't to hurt her though I know telling her how I feel would piss her off. I can't apologize for how I feel about our relationship. It hasn't been emotionally healthy for me for a while now. I can't speak for her, but what's best for me is to be alone right now; especially if the person I want to be with can't be satisfied with me being the type of person I want to be.
Things may be getting better, I have an interview at Oakley on Thursday and I'm studying their products now so I can be ready. I really need this job because moving into a place of my own is looking like the next move. Pray for me and yourselves. 1.
~ The U.R.G.
