May 10, 2011 - Just random rambles of the mind.

Its been a while since I've been on here... Tumblr been getting most of my attention, but I felt some real heart felt ish was necessary for me to be in a better space.

So my dad lost his job again a little over a month ago after being back to work for about 3 months. I thought I'd be able to handle it this time around compared to him losing in Nov. of 09 because life completely changed for the both of us. Its hard to see a grown man so defeated, especially at the age of 50. Its just hard looking at him like this: not being able to know where his next definite pay check will come from; pulling together coins to pay our phone bill, having to hide his car so they don't repossess it due to him missing payments. Its just a lot to deal with by itself. And my pride is taking a hit because I never thought I'd see the day that I'd be faced with getting foodstamps, medicaid, and only affording a mobile phone like Cricket or Boost...

To add insult to injury, my father's family decided they want to sell my great grandmother's house too. Mind you, My father and I live in my great grandmother's house right now. She passed in August and they want to sell it due to my dad not being able to pay the utilities when they wanted him to over the past year (you know, the year where he didn't have a job). So we have less that a month til we get moved out... which sucks because there is nowhere for me or him to move into, with me being a full-time student and him not working its hard to have an idea of where we'd be going... My option right now it to move back in with my mother (UBER FAIL) which even if I did, I have to get a job so I can move back in the city in the Fall. I just refust to live in Maryland and spend $50 a week to ride public transportation to school. Hopefully I win this scholarship for the upcoming year so I can move into the dorms that the have beside our campus that cost more than we pay in tuition (Really UDC? That makes sense).

And in bittersweet news, I broke up with Laura. Its sad because I do love her, and I do care about her. And I wanted things between us to be great and work out. its just... well this is what I sent my best friend when everything went down:

I was on Facebook last night chatting with Sarah. We got to a point where Laura came up because our relationship has been really rocky the last couple of months. So I sent Sarah a msg, and got in the shower, didn't close out of Facebook on my laptop. She came in her room while I was in the shower. She says she wasn't spying but just reading to see if anything I was doing on my laptop was important enough to leave up. She ended up reading: "She has me reading this book that makes me want to leave even more." I tried to show her the part of the book I'm talking about, I tried to explain why I felt that way. She's now convinced I'm came here to break up with her and not to support her. I'm trying to get her to understand, but I know it's not possible. Oh & to top it all off, I can't leave til 11:30 tomorrow That issue happened last night. When I woke up this morning she brought the issue back up about what I said in a conversation she wasn't meant to see. But I came to a point to realize that me being who I am is what she gets most upset about in our relationship, and if me being me is what cause the majority of our problems, why are we still together? I don't have anything bad to say about her. It's just that she's a great girl, but we aren't compatible... I can't convince her that my intent wasn't to hurt her though I know telling her how I feel would piss her off. I can't apologize for how I feel about our relationship. It hasn't been emotionally healthy for me for a while now. I can't speak for her, but what's best for me is to be alone right now; especially if the person I want to be with can't be satisfied with me being the type of person I want to be.

So I'm trying to just move on because I have to be real with myself about it all, and she's trying to convince me to give her another chance... and though she probably is worth it, I know I can do much better than the relationship we had and I would rather be by myself than in a relationship I don't want to be in... Its just the truth...

Things may be getting better, I have an interview at Oakley on Thursday and I'm studying their products now so I can be ready. I really need this job because moving into a place of my own is looking like the next move. Pray for me and yourselves. 1.

~ The U.R.G.

(Black) Women; I love y'all but this "Selective Independence" needs to stop.

Okay the conversation was about wedding rings (No there are no bells ringing over here). So we were talking about "How much a man is supposed to spend on a wedding ring" and I have this rule that I would like for myself. its this:

How ever many carats you want your wedding ring to have, I want the same amount on mine.

Supposedly I'm wrong for that because "guys only should get a wedding band" and "Guys don't show off their wedding rings". Sorry, but I like rings and diamonds too. I don't understand why a guy can't have a nice wedding ring (which would stick out like a sore thumb to other women) when he is expected to spend a substantial amount of money on both an engagement ring and a wedding ring.

Weddings are not only your day ladies. Its our day too. At the very least in a financial aspect!

I have an issue with that. I don't understand why in 2011, when women are "independent" they can't spend 2 months of pay on their man's wedding ring the way he is supposed to do it for her. Using the reason "Becomes I'm a woman" (reason I was given last night) is bull shit.
Women, esp Black women: I love y'all, but this "Selective Independence" needs to quit. All of y'all can't be singing songs like Destiny's Child's "Independent Women" and follow it up with "Bills, Bill, Bills". The same goes with other aspects of relationships. Pick a damn side. Please?!

Is it just me, or does it seem that many if not most women want everything to be equal only when it benefits them?

Mini Personal Rant... (Since Tumblr is down)

I feel like I'll never be able to give you the attention you need or make you feel like you want to feel in this relationship, and I started feeling that way when you brought up your bitch ass ex bf from 5 years ago who tried to make you feel like you can have the damn world and I can't even buy a fucking gift because my money situation isn't right. 


I feel like not being a people pleaser is alienating the people in my life from me at a time where I'm finally putting my feelings and my concerns and whats important to me before those of other people. 


I feel like I can never do enough, good enough, for myself or for anyone else. 


I feel frustrated because I don't know why I have the baggage I do, and I don't know how to get rid of it. 


I feel frustrated because I can't answer the questions of shit going on in my own life and I feel so helpless and so lost that and that no one cares as long as the shit going on with me as far as they are concerned is good.


I'm sick of all this shit. 


I'm sick of being frustrated and not knowing what caused it all, I'm sick of being 21 years old, without a job, money, living under someone else's roof, being a sad existance for a young man whose only good to be someone else's ear when they are going through shit. 


I'm just done...

Venting on on BS

Aight, I haven't blogged over here for a while (My tumblr has been the place to see my stuff recently) but I felt this post was necessary for this blog. Whoever reads it, reads it. I can give a damn right now.

I'm perturbed. And I feel perfectly fine feeling that way. Let me show you why.
This is  conversation I had with my gf yesterday. For those who don't know, yesterday was the first Sunday of the NFL season this year.

Me: Hello

Her: Hey babe

Me: Whatcha doin

Her: Nothing much cleaning and watching Aladdin

Me: Wow... you and every other non football watching female (Note: Previously she has expressed she watches football and likes the Giants and Saints, but its not one of her favorite sports)

Her: I'm boycotting the NFL season

Me: o_O why?

Her: A few reasons, one being I don't agree with ppl being neglectful of things and ppl in their lives for the sake of a game where its socially acceptable for men to grope one another"

Me: Okay Malcolm (referencing Malcolm X as she sounds like she's on a soapbox)

Her: *Shruglife*

Me: You're Doing To Much

Her: No I think your gender isn't doing enough and I'm not participating in it

Me: Okay I'm not touching this with you... As much as women want guys to be involved with the things they like, its wild you said that.

Her: Ask any women what she wants out of a man and I doubt she'd say anything of the sort lol. I'll just say this: If men put half the energy and paid women half the attention and thought they give football, all relationships would be perfect

Me: go back to watching Aladdin. This is the first time you've given me a headache from being annoyed."

{Insert a couple Pointless messages}

Her: Couldn't be annoyed if there wasn't some truth to the words.

Me: Ha! and that's where you're wrong

Her: Nah I doubt it

Me: I could care less if you doubt it or not. Did you forget guys like when women talk sports when they know what they are talking about.

Her: Yea... but no women wants a mans attention for the duration of a sports season... If that's the only way to us y'all can have it

Now at this point I decided I'm not going to talk to her for the rest of the day. I decided to enjoy my day and watch football like I have every Sunday a game has been on since I've been living.

Why?


Because I REFUSE and will be damned is ANYONE wants me to feel guilty for watching a football game and enjoying it. Often times I feel as is If there is something I like that she doesn't like I'm supposed to give up what I like for the sake of appeasing her. And often I feel that when its something she likes, me opposing it will only lead to more issues between us.

She's begging for attention with shit like that... and that shit was manipulative. The only reason you would say some shit like that is to try to evoke some feeling of guilt in me to make sure I'm giving you attention instead of what you know I want to do.


I'm still my own person, and you catching an attitude with me THIS MORNING when I was trying to get over it was not the answer.


So in short: I'm a young man. I like sports, love watching football. If you feel you have to compete with a football game for my attention, WHEN I TEXT YOU WHILE A FOOTBALL GAME WAS ON TO ASK YOU HOW YOU ARE DOING, then you obviously don't see that I still care enough.


/rant sometimes I wish I didn't give a damn.


The U.R.G.

How Young Black Women Set themselves up to be Successful & Single (Are their standards too high?)

(Backstory: Slim Thug came out and said some comments about Black women backing black men and people adressed it, one of the comments he made was that Black women have their standards too high)

I agree with the statements made by Marc Lamont Hill about Slim Thug's comments. However... 

Some black women in my opinion do have standards that are too high. Emphasis on my opinion, but I will attempt to state my case as clearly as possible. There are many successful black women today, ones who have their own homes, their own cars, doing very well in their careers, etc. These "independent black women" are doing their thing (Clap for them) so why is it that many of these women are still single? 

When thinking about this subject, I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend of mine on AIM about a year ago where the subject of "independent women" a.k.a. "Women who don't need a man" arose. 

Her: Look guys need to stop looking for "girls" and start talking to women who don’t NEED man anyway

Me: Psh... Don’t start giving me that independent woman BS ya'll been spittin for almost 10 years, cause let's face it, yeah, while you may have your own, you sure as heck would love a man who would allow you to keep it... I've been looking for woman, the problem is these "independent women" my age have been looking for guys who have everything together, and most of the time aren't willing to give a guy who has a plan and is in the process of getting his self together a chance... so we end up stuck messing with hood rats who are just happy to get a guy bringing in a check every two weeks so she can have some money to get her hair and nails done...

Me: Many Females want a guy who has his life together, when 3/4 of the time, SHE doesn't have her life together... that's not right...

Her: I’m gonna agree with u

Me: ...thank you

Her: That’s definitely true. Cuz my advisor is ALWAYS complaining about not having a man. Now mind u she’s old...like getting to her 40's old and she lives in a townhouse with 2 cars...bmw and Mercedes and she makes 6 figures and she just bought a house yet she expects the guy she meets to be on her level... when in fact all the guys that are "on her level" are married or taken...or with extreme amounts of baggage

Me: Correct...

Her: Which means women certainly have to be realistic. We can’t expect a man to have it ALL right now, but we can expect him to have a PLAN. And that just means women have to be able to not feel like they want to work on that man...but work with him to get to the point where they both need to be in life. Which hopefully leads to success. Unfortunately, theory is different from practice and women just haven’t figured it out yet.

Me: Yeah, I agree with that... I’m glad you owned up to what I said, because a lot of females I speak to fight that belief to no end...

Her: lol yea they are in denial...and I hate to say it but that is why many successful black women are not getting married

Me: Preach...

Any women reading this conversation saying its not true is lying to herself. Think about it. Everyone knows or has met the girl who in college would not date a guy unless he had a car, or a job, ignoring the fact that there is a guy interested in her who is a full time student and doesn’t have it like that. As an HBCU student, I know of females who would rather date a dude who had a job and not in school than date a guy in school working towards a career. And I’m sure I’m not the only one. If you want to be independent like you claim, what’s wrong with you having your own car and getting around as you please? What’s wrong with you taking a guy out on a date?

You should never expect more out of your partner in a relationship than he can expect out of you, or that you can expect out of yourself (#MESSAGE)

So with all that being said, I believe it is fair to say that many black young black women do have “out of wack” standards when it comes to the men they are choosing to be with. No I am not saying that women should settle. I am not saying there is something wrong with having a standard. What I am saying is that some women need to humble themselves and give the guy who has potential a chance. And furthermore, in the times we live in, how is it fair for any woman to expect a man to bring more than a table than she is willing to?

~ The U.R.G.

What up everyone! Long time right...

So, I realized that people who see this blog haven't been seeing any of my recent work (Tumblr caught me... my bad...) So I'll be taking some of my recent works and placing it on both sides... Hope y'all enjoy it, This one I'm about to repost I just finished... Classic URG, aka causing controversy.

I Can't Deal... But I'm trying to.

~ Pressure and stress is the common cold of the psyche. ~

This isn't for everyone to read, and I know that not many people read this blog to begin with. That may be for the best, I'm not really expecting anyone to care... even the ones who say they do.

I'm in a unusual place in my life right now... and not because it's stress... I've dealt with stress... thrived in it, laughed at it right in its face as I overcame, all because I knew I had things under control, in one way or another... Well... that was before the last couple of months.

I've always been the person who had issues but never let anyone else see me sweat... I never would let anyone know what I was dealing with. Talking about my issues with someone else was the last thing I cared to do. That said, my girlfriend has been a major reason why I've had to get over that part of myself cause she won't allow it, but I digress...

I don't know how to handle my life right now... It's becoming too much stress to bare. Not in a "I want to end it all" kind of way, but in more of a "God I don't know what to do" way. I live with my father and for the last 6 (going on 7) months he's been unemployed. Not for anything he did, he was on a contract with the government and it ended. The company chose to not renew it. Well that was in November.

Imagine two grown men (well at least age wise, I don't feel I'm grown) living in one house, one is a full time student who can't find a job due to class schedule and the other who can't find work because he's either over-qualified or under-qualified for employment. Imagine trying to find transportation to get to and from school when no one in your house is making money and the educational stipend I'm supposed to be getting is not arriving and on top of that the other side of your family isn't giving you access to a bank account that has YOUR name on it. Imagine it getting close to the end of the school year and you gain a little bit of money to do some things that are long overdue and your father coming to you asking for money. That's me right now. My father has never looked so helpless, and I feel bad because I can't do anything to help the way I would like to. I don't know how to deal with this... I can't take care of myself, how am I supposed to support my household right now? I call this walls one and two.

Walls number 3 and 4: My girlfriend and I have been together since two days before my dad lost his job (go figure right) and we barely get to see each other. She's not from here and she goes to school a decent distance away. The lack of money to get to see her like I want to ( and she would want me to) has for lack of a better term contributed to the "tension" in our relationship. When I got the amount of money I did... we discussed me coming to see her once my semester was over and when the majority of the students at her school left... Well... with my father coming to me asking me for money for things we both need but things that right now only I can afford, I don't think seeing her is going to happen. And she basically told me she's upset about it... even though her words are that she's disappointed and annoyed by the situation. I'm just adding to the general list of fuck ups I've had since we've gotten together (trust me its enough). And I really wanted to go be with her... but my current situation is causing stress in more than one aspect of my life. But I'm tired of making her upset...

Walls 5 and 6: The last things on my agenda... Today was supposed to be last day of my semester... my only final exam was today at 7 pm, and I know I did well... until my teacher gave me a packet with my grades for everything this semester. Come to find out that without turning in this one part of the major report I had due for my class, I can't get credit for the class, and essentially I will either have an incomplete or fail the class... something I can't afford to do. So tomorrow I have until 5:30 to go to 3 different day cares in the city (using public transportation mind you) to get someone to sign off on this piece of paper to verify I did observation at the location in order to gain a grade for the semester... I was so ready for this semester to be over and look for work full time... but I guess I have to hold off another day...


I know this may not seem like anything major to someone else. And I'm sure someone is just saying "toughen up." To those people : Kiss My Ass, we all deal with things different ways. I don't know what lead to this trying time in life... Hopefully through all this pressure I'll come out as a diamond instead of crushed under the pressure.

(picture from http://wherestheham.wordpress.com/2009/04/23/claustrophobia/ )